Working Thoughts
One of the great benefits of gardening for a living is that you get a lot of time to think. Performing tasks that have been absorbed into the muscle memory through rote memorisation seems to occupy some of the lower brain functions, so that if one is in the right head space a lot of creative and productive thought can occur. More than if I was under fluorescent lights staring at a screen anyway, but maybe that works for other people. I can’t say I really thought of too much of use today, although I did have a minor epiphany regarding my mental health that will hopefully help me reestablish a healthy mental state in the wake of the chronic fatigue.
When I came out of the bipolar I attributed the almost disappearance of depression to a new medicine and years of hard work. Around the same time I also bought a business and started pushing it along pretty hard. My thought today was that having the business itself was a huge factor in the receding of the depression I had experienced up to that point. Having the business gave me lots of sub-areas to target with my thoughts as I mowed lawns, all of them united under the common goal to make the business bigger, more efficient and more successful. I could think about modifications to the trailer or the ute, about employee manuals and training, about prices, future expansion, advertising, efficiency and the best way to perform every little action, the best was to schedule the run of properties through the day, all these different areas that were all important in the greater scheme of things.
So basically my idea is that I didn’t have much time to think defeatist, depressing ideas, because my mind was always busy working towards a greater goal. I guess the trick now is that I have to replace that goal, and not only that, reinvigorate myself so that I can approach all these areas of thought with positivity. I’m not sure what I would replace the business with, I suppose the most obvious thing would be with our desire to get a bit of land, build a house and go off grid a bit. Then as far as personal glory goes I suppose stand up, funny skits, a podcast, a bit of writing would all be creative goals. As well of course would be improvements to the business to make it run as smoothly as possible as a small unit, without getting caught up in the expansiveness I did before.
So basically my mind needs a united goal, like a socialist revolution. And then I need pillars to switch my mind back and forwards between and to work on. If I can stay occupied with that stuff hopefully my mind won’t have too much room for defeatism.
I don’t know, writing today has been like pulling teeth, but thought I should have a go. I’m pretty tired from work. I want to try to include cute things from the kids that happen from time to time so I can remember them. One I like is in the shower Ellis copies me wiping water from his face. When I do it I put my hand horizontal across my face, like if I was covering my eyes, whereas he drags his hand down vertically. He does it to me to when my face gets wet and I like it.
Peace.
Run and Stumble 