Divorced Dads 101 Ways to Stay Connected with Your Kids Notes

Hey,

Before my kids went overseas I was studying a book called Divorced Dads 101 Ways to Stay Connected with Your Kids. I’ve got a few other books to get through so I won’t be finishing this one real soon but I will be going back through my notes to try to improve our connection, especially with my daughter’s schooling. I guess I’ll update this when I finish the book.

Chapter 1 Develop Your Vision

Tip 1 Priorities What are your priorities? What is most important to you?If true, ask 3 questions:Am I really connecting with my children in the way I would like?If not, then why not?Am I allowing conflict with my ex-wife to get in the way?
Imagine child giving you eulogy. How will your child remember you? You are answering that question by the choices you are making today.
Tip 2 Easy does it. Go easy on yourself. Set your goals, then take small steps at first.
4 Tips for Goals Get clear on what you want. Like a road map. Where do you want to go in your relationship with your children? Which direction do you need to take to get there?Express goals in positive terms.Make your goal statements as specific as possible. Instead of ‘want child to be good person,’ say ‘want child to be honest.’Write down goals and review them often.
Tip 3 Assess your strengths Father who turns his life around and shares some of this process with his kids is giving them a real gift.Things you enjoy – fishing, building, gardening etc are strengths you can share with kids.
5 Questions to ask yourself to Identify Strengths 1 What do other people think are your best qualities, abilities or strengths? 2 What interests do you have that could be shared with your children? 3 What hobbies do you have now, or have you enjoyed earlier, that could be shared with your children?4 What sports activities have you been involved in? 5 What skills have you developed that you could teach your children.
Tip 4 Identify areas of growth.4 Pillars of good parenting:Honesty – Saying what you do Integrity – Doing what you say Dependability – Doing it when you say you’ll do it.Consistency – Doing it with the same quality every time.
Tip 5 Take responsibility for your choices and actions’If it’s to be, it’s up to me.’ Like acceptance – shitty ex relationship is what it is, take the action I can to have good relationship with kids.
Tip 6 Commit to action Be persistent if kids don’t respond straight away.
4 Steps for a Beginning Pick a short-range goal to work on – meet child’s teachers, send a funny card in the mail once a week for a month etc Break goal down into smaller steps that are measurable.Set a timeline for smaller steps you have identified – research by x, send information to kids by x, discussion by x, final decision, arrangements.Give yourself praise for efforts you’re making. Don’t look back at what you’ve missed, focus on progress and direction you are headed.
Chapter 2 Mend Fences Put child’s welfare first. Work as team. Team works towards a common goal.
Tip 7 Your Thoughts are the ancestors of the actions you take
The mobile principle – ex, kids, ourselves like pieces in a mobile, all effect each other. Through consistent positive behaviour there will be positive results, therefore you can change the dynamics of a relationship with an ex if you change your thinking.
Question habitual thinking patterns you pave way to changing your behaviour. The ancestor to every action is a thought. If you change your own behaviour positively, repeatedly and consistently you will inevitably increase the odds that you ex’s behaviour will change in a favourable way.If thinking before a call ‘she’s only going to criticise me, say no to my request.’ Probably feel anger building up even before a conversation begins. Instead say to yourself ‘When I get angry I close doors to finding a solution with my ex. When we talk I’m going to really listen, keep cool and remain courteous no matter what. I can’t control what she says and does, but I can control what I say and do.’ Have done your part in creating the opportunity for improved future interactions.
Tip 8 Adjust your attitude By altering attitude you take towards your ex, you can have a positive influence on her behaviour Attributes below are long term goals. Not perfect, aim for continuous progress.
6 Attributes that support a positive attitude.1 Belief that improvement in your relationship with ex is possible 2 Patience with your ex, yourself and the process of learning to work together as a team. Takes time to develop and refine how you and your ex will handle both routine and unexpected situations.3 Consistent effort over time with sustained motivation and energy 4 Accepting responsibility for your actions, mistakes and shortcomings 5 Willingness to persevere in spite of discouragement and unexpected problems 6 Tolerance for your ex’s traits, habits and differing viewpoints that exasperate you.
Tip 9 Redirect you Reactions When you change your reaction to the situation between you and your ex, outcomes will be different.
What counts is not what happens to you, it’s how you respond to what occurs.Instead of immediately reacting experiment to see what it feels like to detach somewhat emotionally. Observe what is happening as if you were a news reporter. Or focus on being curious about why your ex feels and acts as she does.
How to cope with anxiety and fear Be willing to recognise your own insecurities – put labels on them Feel your emotions. Don’t ignore. Like ignoring oil light in car.Identify what emotion you’re feeling. If negative often root is fear. Fear is often unfounded. Most of the time frightened of things that will never happen.Give yourself an affirmation that contradicts the fear Repeat the serenity prayer – Grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.As you do last two visualise things working out in a positive way.
Tip 10 Work on becoming allies Children suffer emotionally when parents are in conflict. Kids will know you’re angry with spouse even if you don’t say anything. This will harm your relationship with them.Why spend time and energy with negativity for ex when you could be using that for kids.5 tips to mend fences Begin talking about creating team approach to parenting Take responsibility for your part in what happened Apologise for your mistakes, hurtful actions and short comings and mean it.Do whatever you have to do to start process of releasing resentments and forgiving your ex. Therapy, whatever.Tell you ex that you’re working on changing yourself and you want to be a better parent. Ask for her help and suggestions.
Tip 11 Offer to help your ex when you can With communication stuff – setting up computer, phone, app or whatever.Express appreciation for your ex’s willingness to go the extra mile. Even small things take time and energy and Many men don’t want to help anymore but forget wives are doing a lot of routine jobs, and that men will also want wives to be flexible and help them at times.Make ‘goodwill’ deposits in emotional bank.Share knowledge and resources. Offer to help get information or explore possible options, thank her for assistance.
4 Questions to ask yourself would you deprive your ex of something just to get personal satisfaction, even though providing it would help your kids?Do you want your children to remember you as petty and bitter or generous and compassionate?Do you always want everything to be fair, not giving more than you get and continually keeping score?Is it time to let the past go and become the kind of father your kids will respect, admire, and love? If not now, when will you do this?
Tip 12 Be supportive of your ex’s parenting efforts Don’t criticise ex – children are combination of you and their mother. Criticising kids is like criticising the part of them that comes from their mother.Make resolution with ex to solve things privately, not in front of kids, don’t put kids in the middle.Don’t pass messages through kids.Two individuals can disagree and still have a courteous conversation.Conflict resolution = listening to other person and trying to understand where they are coming from. Generate creative options and compromise. Modeling this for kids also. valuable skill.
How to prepare for talks about emotional issues Take time to centre yourself emotionally by sitting quietly for a few minutes. Breathing, meditating etc.Notice and negative ‘chatter’ in your mind and replace with a positive statement. ‘Each time I really focus on listening intently to my ex instead of jumping in to criticise, I’ve improving our working relationship.Expect to be able to get along, talk respectfully and courteously to each other, find creative solutions to problems. You get what you expect.Suspend judgment and criticism so that you’re prepared to really hear your ex. Listen deeply so you can understand the fears and concerns that are layered beneath her surface words. When you can identify and understand her deeper concerns, you’re more likely to find and acceptable solution.

Tip 13Recognise Ex’s partner
Tip 14Be sensitive if you have a new mate
Chapter 3Request Support – Involve othersKnow about kids from others, so you are able to support them.
Tip 17Get recordings of special events. When children know you’re keeping up with what you’re doing they receive a message from you of love and caring.
Tip 18Ask your kids how they prefer to stay connected with youGet into child’s mindset or world. Listen to and understand the wishes of the child, then satisfy those wishes if you can.Make ‘how to stay connected list’ by writing options down and choosing best ones.I don’t know is one of the most common answers kids give to parents.Mention ideas, if kid says is okay, try it, and ask how they liked it.Will change as they grow older.
Tip 19Encourage extended family communicationForward things from your family to kids. Give kid ways to contact extended family.Makes kid feel more loved, strong connection to your family.
Chapter 4Upgrade you parenting skills: Connect more deeply
Parenting leadership is about defining the direction you want your kids to grow in. You are guiding light to your children. Lead by setting an example that you would be proud to have your kids imitate.You chance to share part of yourself, your character and your beliefs with children.Kids will copy you.
Tip 20Be emotionally available.Express emotions. Positive ones too – love etc. Tender.Practice good listening skills and go easy on criticism. Be supportive, emotionally responsive and available.
Tip 21Refine your sense of humourTurn tense situations into laughter, take the piss out of yourself.
Record funny moments, share with kids, provides anchors to remind them of good times together.
Tip 22Work on KindnessIf you go easier on yourself, kids and ex you will all be happier.Don’t expect kids to be perfect. Encouragement better than criticism.
Your kids will not care what you know until they know that you care.
Do you yell and criticise without hearing what they have to say?When you have to discipline your children can they tell by your attitude and actions that you care about them and their welfare?Kindness does not mean no rules. Consistent, appropriate consequences for misbehaviour, but still communicate caring and concern for children and long-range potential.Abuse cycle. By being aware you can break it.
Tip 23Re-frame failure as LearningLearning experiences.Fear of failure is the enemy of accomplishment.Praise effort and persistence.Practice is forerunner of skill.
Don’t connect your ego to child’s performanceExpress pride for genuine reasons, give value to praiseBe gentle in failure
Tip 24Reveal yourselfGet your dick out in public whenever the opportunity arisesShowing your child the real you will increase the authenticity of your rapportBe yourselfCan talk about emotions, not in detail but explain what is going on for you.Above all share any positive feelings you have for your children.
Share similar experiences – something you were or are a beginner atShare stories that show your ups and downs in life. – Helps kids put own struggles in context. Everyone experiencing similar challenges.
Tip 25Practice good listening skillsIf you really hear your kids they will open up to you.Body language, tone of voice, feeling their emotions and hearing feelings underneath actual words they use.For fathers challenge to develop skill of letting child vent without trying to fix anything. Fathers are used to fixing things, giving advice and solving problems so may need to train yourself to listen without prematurely jumping in with the ‘perfect solution.’
5 tips for good listening:Practice good listening habits. Stop what you’re doing. Make good eye contact and focus on what child is saying. Instead of thinking ahead to what you will say in return, concentrate on all listed above – body language etc.Develop reflexive habits in listening, like mirroring back statements. ‘It sounds like you are…’Listen, let kid talk, may arrive at solution without you saying anythingLet child feel heard, even if they criticise you and you disagree
26Encourage your childrenTeach your kids to focus on potential and minimise limitationsSupport positive traits and abilities. Help children see how they can use their talents in the real world. That way kids will be motivated to become good at what they like to do.Fun involved with exploring different hobbies or interests.Fine line between doing best and becoming obsessed and losing enjoyment.
27Practice HumilityWillingness to admit mistakes to your kids or your ex sets a good example. Unpretentious evokes respect from others.Make an honest appraisal of your true nature – good and bad.Setting example to kid of how to be real and authentic.

It’s not enough to just love your kids – have to tell and show them over and over.
Chapter 5Communicate often: Vary the methodConsider both quality and quantity of communicationsVariety is the spice of life.Variety keeps excitement and fun in relationship.Kid wondering what will dad say or do this week? This is what you want.Appeal to senses, not just talking.
Tip 28Make telephone calls
4 Telephone calling tipsDon’t call at inappropriate/inconvenient timesCalls might stir kids up so be mindful about what time you call – not before bedtime etcBe supportive of ex, don’t do nasty shitIf you call and your children don’t want to talk, take the long-term view. If not ready now, will come around later.
Tip 29Send letters or emailsKids love to get mail. Don’t usually get mail addressed to them, so they will feel special and important when yourletter arrives.Can exchange drawings
4 Tips for letter writingInclude self-addressed, stamped envelope to make replying easierConsider small surprise in letter – stickers or Pokemon cards etcLet true feelings show – I’m proud of you etc.Send kid appealing stationary that might be fun for their age to use. Calligraphy, stamps, whatever, get them more interested in drawing and writing.
Tip 30Mail greeting cardsConventional or electronic – graphic design, humour, sound effects etc can delight children. Can give encouragement before big event etc.
Tip 31Deliver favourite foodsBake and stuff – send or deliver.
Tip 32Entertain with jokes and riddlesShare jokes with kids, get kids joke bookRiddles make kids think, could offer small reward if they get it.Get them to send them back.(My idea – teach me words in Japanese)
3 TipsFind age-appropriate jokesRemember children’s humour is different from adults. Get on their level.During visits ask what jokes kids have heard recently, helps you stay in touch with their sense of humour.
Tip 33Give well-timed photographsCan call and ask about photos, laugh at any funny ones etc. Remember.
Tip 34Collect news itemsFind out kids’ interests and send them things that might interest them.Get in the habit of looking for things that might appeal to your kids.
Tip 35Mail postcardsMail postcards from places you visit to show kids you think about them while you are away.Simple positive note on back of postcard can be positive.
Tip 36Visit your kidsNot necessarily just appointed timeCan involve kid’s friends during visit – go to park etc. Watch kid play sports – meet coach and teammates. Get into their world more.Meet teachers. Can expand network of people you know who teach and support your children.
Tip 37Watch a TV show together long-distanceCan talk on phone while watching and commentBall games. Guess final score, prize for winner. Not competition, bond.
Tip 38Review a book togetherLikely best with one childSet a deadline, could offer incentives. Ask how they like it, about plot etc.Audiobooks for kids.
Tip 39Share artworkIf not good, that’s good – shows kids it’s okay not to be good at everything.Send it, call, see what they think
Tip 40Find a comic strip
Tip 41Give keepsakes to rememeberSpecific reminders of special moments or outings can strengthen bondsAny time you have a moment with kids that is worth remembering, look for keepsakes – movie tickets, local travel brochure, whatever
Tip 42Use instant messaging
Tip 43Family email listSharing small details in your life allows kids to know and stay connected to you.
Tip 44Make a website (facebook)
Tip 45Give kids a phone
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Chapter 6Support learning: Make acquiring knowledge funPromote enjoyment of learning important
Find books for them, enrol them in classesOffer to help with homework and encourage to start assignments earlyBe generous with praise when child has done something that deserves recognition
Tip 46Make the initial contact with the schoolGetting off on the right foot with teachers will save you and your children headachesAt the start of each year initiate contact with children’s school. Call principal and say you want to actively involved in child’s education.Ask for copy of school calendar, child’s classes and teachers and information about planned special events. Find out names of school counsellors and best way to make contact.Ask about extracurricular activities kid can choose to pursue.Ask for copies of report cards, progress reports, discipline write ups and standardised test scores during the school year.
First time you call you’ll probably be asked to mail or email a copy of divorce custody agreement so that the school will have it for their records. Don’t be offended, standard procedure.Put energy into creating productive relationship with school staff. Let them know you’re interested. Also say you plan to visit when you get a chance.
4 Tips for helping kids academicallyBe consistent with contact with teachersFollow through on any assistance you agreed to giveLet your children know through phone calls etc that you are keeping up to date with their grades.Offer your own incentives for good results and behaviour, things your kids like.
Tip 47Seek feedback from kids teachersDon’t get upset about negative feedback about kid, use to help them improve.Ask about long-term projects and see if you can helpAsk teachers about recommendations on how to encourage kids to do their best.
Not all schools used to this – share that you can be a more supportive, active parent and it will be good for children.
Example: Mother stressed about kid’s education, father quizzing her about grades, putting pressure on her. Gets put in loop, makes their relationship better and better for kid.
Don’t let your own school memories baggage keep you from being an involved parent now.
Tip 48Visit school when possibleCan time to coincide with school eventCounsellors can help
Tip 49Go on educational outingGet to know teacher and classmates.Good to observe child first hand to know as much about their world as possible.
Tip 50 Help Develop AccountabilityDon’t let them make excuses but also don’t be perfectionist.Praise from a father can be powerful.
Tip 51Encourage learning.Teach kids to love to learn.Story about kid that used dead father’s love of learning and reading as example to drive him to leave poverty.All learning doesn’t come from books. Life skills. Social Skills. Problems solving skills. Share how you make decisions and handle crisis situations.Encourage crossword puzzles and word games.
52Support Goals and DreamingShow kids it’s alright to set sights high and dream big.Don’t force kids to do what you want to do. Let them pursue their interests.Different people have different strengths and interests.Point out strengths and abilities you notice they have.Be realistic. Hard work, not just dreams.Have your own vision and pursue it, set example for kids.
Encouraging goalsTalk with kids about dreams and goalsEncourage curiosity. Give them freedom to pursue hobbies and interests and hobbits.Teach kids not to be afraid of failure. Opportunity to learn what doesn’t work.
53Help with school projects.Interest you take in academic things emphasises its importance.Talk to teachers at start of year about areas of study and large projects.At end of year can ask teachers or principal about what to do to prepare kid for next year.Can split subjects or assignments with ex.Help child build timeline for working on and completing project. Check in with them regularly to check progress according to timeline. Progress and quality.Teach how to take large thing and break down into small steps.Opportunity to demonstrate that you can be consistent, dependable and reliable.
5 tips for dealing with school personnelTolerant of phone tag.Be persistent.Be polite and courteous. Try to resolve issues with person before going up the chain.Consider how your actions will impact children, ex.