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Divorced Dads 101 Ways to Stay Connected with Your Kids Notes

Hey,

Before my kids went overseas I was studying a book called Divorced Dads 101 Ways to Stay Connected with Your Kids. I’ve got a few other books to get through so I won’t be finishing this one real soon but I will be going back through my notes to try to improve our connection, especially with my daughter’s schooling. I guess I’ll update this when I finish the book.

Chapter 1 Develop Your Vision

Tip 1 Priorities What are your priorities? What is most important to you?If true, ask 3 questions:Am I really connecting with my children in the way I would like?If not, then why not?Am I allowing conflict with my ex-wife to get in the way?
Imagine child giving you eulogy. How will your child remember you? You are answering that question by the choices you are making today.
Tip 2 Easy does it. Go easy on yourself. Set your goals, then take small steps at first.
4 Tips for Goals Get clear on what you want. Like a road map. Where do you want to go in your relationship with your children? Which direction do you need to take to get there?Express goals in positive terms.Make your goal statements as specific as possible. Instead of ‘want child to be good person,’ say ‘want child to be honest.’Write down goals and review them often.
Tip 3 Assess your strengths Father who turns his life around and shares some of this process with his kids is giving them a real gift.Things you enjoy – fishing, building, gardening etc are strengths you can share with kids.
5 Questions to ask yourself to Identify Strengths 1 What do other people think are your best qualities, abilities or strengths? 2 What interests do you have that could be shared with your children? 3 What hobbies do you have now, or have you enjoyed earlier, that could be shared with your children?4 What sports activities have you been involved in? 5 What skills have you developed that you could teach your children.
Tip 4 Identify areas of growth.4 Pillars of good parenting:Honesty – Saying what you do Integrity – Doing what you say Dependability – Doing it when you say you’ll do it.Consistency – Doing it with the same quality every time.
Tip 5 Take responsibility for your choices and actions’If it’s to be, it’s up to me.’ Like acceptance – shitty ex relationship is what it is, take the action I can to have good relationship with kids.
Tip 6 Commit to action Be persistent if kids don’t respond straight away.
4 Steps for a Beginning Pick a short-range goal to work on – meet child’s teachers, send a funny card in the mail once a week for a month etc Break goal down into smaller steps that are measurable.Set a timeline for smaller steps you have identified – research by x, send information to kids by x, discussion by x, final decision, arrangements.Give yourself praise for efforts you’re making. Don’t look back at what you’ve missed, focus on progress and direction you are headed.
Chapter 2 Mend Fences Put child’s welfare first. Work as team. Team works towards a common goal.
Tip 7 Your Thoughts are the ancestors of the actions you take
The mobile principle – ex, kids, ourselves like pieces in a mobile, all effect each other. Through consistent positive behaviour there will be positive results, therefore you can change the dynamics of a relationship with an ex if you change your thinking.
Question habitual thinking patterns you pave way to changing your behaviour. The ancestor to every action is a thought. If you change your own behaviour positively, repeatedly and consistently you will inevitably increase the odds that you ex’s behaviour will change in a favourable way.If thinking before a call ‘she’s only going to criticise me, say no to my request.’ Probably feel anger building up even before a conversation begins. Instead say to yourself ‘When I get angry I close doors to finding a solution with my ex. When we talk I’m going to really listen, keep cool and remain courteous no matter what. I can’t control what she says and does, but I can control what I say and do.’ Have done your part in creating the opportunity for improved future interactions.
Tip 8 Adjust your attitude By altering attitude you take towards your ex, you can have a positive influence on her behaviour Attributes below are long term goals. Not perfect, aim for continuous progress.
6 Attributes that support a positive attitude.1 Belief that improvement in your relationship with ex is possible 2 Patience with your ex, yourself and the process of learning to work together as a team. Takes time to develop and refine how you and your ex will handle both routine and unexpected situations.3 Consistent effort over time with sustained motivation and energy 4 Accepting responsibility for your actions, mistakes and shortcomings 5 Willingness to persevere in spite of discouragement and unexpected problems 6 Tolerance for your ex’s traits, habits and differing viewpoints that exasperate you.
Tip 9 Redirect you Reactions When you change your reaction to the situation between you and your ex, outcomes will be different.
What counts is not what happens to you, it’s how you respond to what occurs.Instead of immediately reacting experiment to see what it feels like to detach somewhat emotionally. Observe what is happening as if you were a news reporter. Or focus on being curious about why your ex feels and acts as she does.
How to cope with anxiety and fear Be willing to recognise your own insecurities – put labels on them Feel your emotions. Don’t ignore. Like ignoring oil light in car.Identify what emotion you’re feeling. If negative often root is fear. Fear is often unfounded. Most of the time frightened of things that will never happen.Give yourself an affirmation that contradicts the fear Repeat the serenity prayer – Grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.As you do last two visualise things working out in a positive way.
Tip 10 Work on becoming allies Children suffer emotionally when parents are in conflict. Kids will know you’re angry with spouse even if you don’t say anything. This will harm your relationship with them.Why spend time and energy with negativity for ex when you could be using that for kids.5 tips to mend fences Begin talking about creating team approach to parenting Take responsibility for your part in what happened Apologise for your mistakes, hurtful actions and short comings and mean it.Do whatever you have to do to start process of releasing resentments and forgiving your ex. Therapy, whatever.Tell you ex that you’re working on changing yourself and you want to be a better parent. Ask for her help and suggestions.
Tip 11 Offer to help your ex when you can With communication stuff – setting up computer, phone, app or whatever.Express appreciation for your ex’s willingness to go the extra mile. Even small things take time and energy and Many men don’t want to help anymore but forget wives are doing a lot of routine jobs, and that men will also want wives to be flexible and help them at times.Make ‘goodwill’ deposits in emotional bank.Share knowledge and resources. Offer to help get information or explore possible options, thank her for assistance.
4 Questions to ask yourself would you deprive your ex of something just to get personal satisfaction, even though providing it would help your kids?Do you want your children to remember you as petty and bitter or generous and compassionate?Do you always want everything to be fair, not giving more than you get and continually keeping score?Is it time to let the past go and become the kind of father your kids will respect, admire, and love? If not now, when will you do this?
Tip 12 Be supportive of your ex’s parenting efforts Don’t criticise ex – children are combination of you and their mother. Criticising kids is like criticising the part of them that comes from their mother.Make resolution with ex to solve things privately, not in front of kids, don’t put kids in the middle.Don’t pass messages through kids.Two individuals can disagree and still have a courteous conversation.Conflict resolution = listening to other person and trying to understand where they are coming from. Generate creative options and compromise. Modeling this for kids also. valuable skill.
How to prepare for talks about emotional issues Take time to centre yourself emotionally by sitting quietly for a few minutes. Breathing, meditating etc.Notice and negative ‘chatter’ in your mind and replace with a positive statement. ‘Each time I really focus on listening intently to my ex instead of jumping in to criticise, I’ve improving our working relationship.Expect to be able to get along, talk respectfully and courteously to each other, find creative solutions to problems. You get what you expect.Suspend judgment and criticism so that you’re prepared to really hear your ex. Listen deeply so you can understand the fears and concerns that are layered beneath her surface words. When you can identify and understand her deeper concerns, you’re more likely to find and acceptable solution.

Tip 13Recognise Ex’s partner
Tip 14Be sensitive if you have a new mate
Chapter 3Request Support – Involve othersKnow about kids from others, so you are able to support them.
Tip 17Get recordings of special events. When children know you’re keeping up with what you’re doing they receive a message from you of love and caring.
Tip 18Ask your kids how they prefer to stay connected with youGet into child’s mindset or world. Listen to and understand the wishes of the child, then satisfy those wishes if you can.Make ‘how to stay connected list’ by writing options down and choosing best ones.I don’t know is one of the most common answers kids give to parents.Mention ideas, if kid says is okay, try it, and ask how they liked it.Will change as they grow older.
Tip 19Encourage extended family communicationForward things from your family to kids. Give kid ways to contact extended family.Makes kid feel more loved, strong connection to your family.
Chapter 4Upgrade you parenting skills: Connect more deeply
Parenting leadership is about defining the direction you want your kids to grow in. You are guiding light to your children. Lead by setting an example that you would be proud to have your kids imitate.You chance to share part of yourself, your character and your beliefs with children.Kids will copy you.
Tip 20Be emotionally available.Express emotions. Positive ones too – love etc. Tender.Practice good listening skills and go easy on criticism. Be supportive, emotionally responsive and available.
Tip 21Refine your sense of humourTurn tense situations into laughter, take the piss out of yourself.
Record funny moments, share with kids, provides anchors to remind them of good times together.
Tip 22Work on KindnessIf you go easier on yourself, kids and ex you will all be happier.Don’t expect kids to be perfect. Encouragement better than criticism.
Your kids will not care what you know until they know that you care.
Do you yell and criticise without hearing what they have to say?When you have to discipline your children can they tell by your attitude and actions that you care about them and their welfare?Kindness does not mean no rules. Consistent, appropriate consequences for misbehaviour, but still communicate caring and concern for children and long-range potential.Abuse cycle. By being aware you can break it.
Tip 23Re-frame failure as LearningLearning experiences.Fear of failure is the enemy of accomplishment.Praise effort and persistence.Practice is forerunner of skill.
Don’t connect your ego to child’s performanceExpress pride for genuine reasons, give value to praiseBe gentle in failure
Tip 24Reveal yourselfGet your dick out in public whenever the opportunity arisesShowing your child the real you will increase the authenticity of your rapportBe yourselfCan talk about emotions, not in detail but explain what is going on for you.Above all share any positive feelings you have for your children.
Share similar experiences – something you were or are a beginner atShare stories that show your ups and downs in life. – Helps kids put own struggles in context. Everyone experiencing similar challenges.
Tip 25Practice good listening skillsIf you really hear your kids they will open up to you.Body language, tone of voice, feeling their emotions and hearing feelings underneath actual words they use.For fathers challenge to develop skill of letting child vent without trying to fix anything. Fathers are used to fixing things, giving advice and solving problems so may need to train yourself to listen without prematurely jumping in with the ‘perfect solution.’
5 tips for good listening:Practice good listening habits. Stop what you’re doing. Make good eye contact and focus on what child is saying. Instead of thinking ahead to what you will say in return, concentrate on all listed above – body language etc.Develop reflexive habits in listening, like mirroring back statements. ‘It sounds like you are…’Listen, let kid talk, may arrive at solution without you saying anythingLet child feel heard, even if they criticise you and you disagree
26Encourage your childrenTeach your kids to focus on potential and minimise limitationsSupport positive traits and abilities. Help children see how they can use their talents in the real world. That way kids will be motivated to become good at what they like to do.Fun involved with exploring different hobbies or interests.Fine line between doing best and becoming obsessed and losing enjoyment.
27Practice HumilityWillingness to admit mistakes to your kids or your ex sets a good example. Unpretentious evokes respect from others.Make an honest appraisal of your true nature – good and bad.Setting example to kid of how to be real and authentic.

It’s not enough to just love your kids – have to tell and show them over and over.
Chapter 5Communicate often: Vary the methodConsider both quality and quantity of communicationsVariety is the spice of life.Variety keeps excitement and fun in relationship.Kid wondering what will dad say or do this week? This is what you want.Appeal to senses, not just talking.
Tip 28Make telephone calls
4 Telephone calling tipsDon’t call at inappropriate/inconvenient timesCalls might stir kids up so be mindful about what time you call – not before bedtime etcBe supportive of ex, don’t do nasty shitIf you call and your children don’t want to talk, take the long-term view. If not ready now, will come around later.
Tip 29Send letters or emailsKids love to get mail. Don’t usually get mail addressed to them, so they will feel special and important when yourletter arrives.Can exchange drawings
4 Tips for letter writingInclude self-addressed, stamped envelope to make replying easierConsider small surprise in letter – stickers or Pokemon cards etcLet true feelings show – I’m proud of you etc.Send kid appealing stationary that might be fun for their age to use. Calligraphy, stamps, whatever, get them more interested in drawing and writing.
Tip 30Mail greeting cardsConventional or electronic – graphic design, humour, sound effects etc can delight children. Can give encouragement before big event etc.
Tip 31Deliver favourite foodsBake and stuff – send or deliver.
Tip 32Entertain with jokes and riddlesShare jokes with kids, get kids joke bookRiddles make kids think, could offer small reward if they get it.Get them to send them back.(My idea – teach me words in Japanese)
3 TipsFind age-appropriate jokesRemember children’s humour is different from adults. Get on their level.During visits ask what jokes kids have heard recently, helps you stay in touch with their sense of humour.
Tip 33Give well-timed photographsCan call and ask about photos, laugh at any funny ones etc. Remember.
Tip 34Collect news itemsFind out kids’ interests and send them things that might interest them.Get in the habit of looking for things that might appeal to your kids.
Tip 35Mail postcardsMail postcards from places you visit to show kids you think about them while you are away.Simple positive note on back of postcard can be positive.
Tip 36Visit your kidsNot necessarily just appointed timeCan involve kid’s friends during visit – go to park etc. Watch kid play sports – meet coach and teammates. Get into their world more.Meet teachers. Can expand network of people you know who teach and support your children.
Tip 37Watch a TV show together long-distanceCan talk on phone while watching and commentBall games. Guess final score, prize for winner. Not competition, bond.
Tip 38Review a book togetherLikely best with one childSet a deadline, could offer incentives. Ask how they like it, about plot etc.Audiobooks for kids.
Tip 39Share artworkIf not good, that’s good – shows kids it’s okay not to be good at everything.Send it, call, see what they think
Tip 40Find a comic strip
Tip 41Give keepsakes to rememeberSpecific reminders of special moments or outings can strengthen bondsAny time you have a moment with kids that is worth remembering, look for keepsakes – movie tickets, local travel brochure, whatever
Tip 42Use instant messaging
Tip 43Family email listSharing small details in your life allows kids to know and stay connected to you.
Tip 44Make a website (facebook)
Tip 45Give kids a phone
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Chapter 6Support learning: Make acquiring knowledge funPromote enjoyment of learning important
Find books for them, enrol them in classesOffer to help with homework and encourage to start assignments earlyBe generous with praise when child has done something that deserves recognition
Tip 46Make the initial contact with the schoolGetting off on the right foot with teachers will save you and your children headachesAt the start of each year initiate contact with children’s school. Call principal and say you want to actively involved in child’s education.Ask for copy of school calendar, child’s classes and teachers and information about planned special events. Find out names of school counsellors and best way to make contact.Ask about extracurricular activities kid can choose to pursue.Ask for copies of report cards, progress reports, discipline write ups and standardised test scores during the school year.
First time you call you’ll probably be asked to mail or email a copy of divorce custody agreement so that the school will have it for their records. Don’t be offended, standard procedure.Put energy into creating productive relationship with school staff. Let them know you’re interested. Also say you plan to visit when you get a chance.
4 Tips for helping kids academicallyBe consistent with contact with teachersFollow through on any assistance you agreed to giveLet your children know through phone calls etc that you are keeping up to date with their grades.Offer your own incentives for good results and behaviour, things your kids like.
Tip 47Seek feedback from kids teachersDon’t get upset about negative feedback about kid, use to help them improve.Ask about long-term projects and see if you can helpAsk teachers about recommendations on how to encourage kids to do their best.
Not all schools used to this – share that you can be a more supportive, active parent and it will be good for children.
Example: Mother stressed about kid’s education, father quizzing her about grades, putting pressure on her. Gets put in loop, makes their relationship better and better for kid.
Don’t let your own school memories baggage keep you from being an involved parent now.
Tip 48Visit school when possibleCan time to coincide with school eventCounsellors can help
Tip 49Go on educational outingGet to know teacher and classmates.Good to observe child first hand to know as much about their world as possible.
Tip 50 Help Develop AccountabilityDon’t let them make excuses but also don’t be perfectionist.Praise from a father can be powerful.
Tip 51Encourage learning.Teach kids to love to learn.Story about kid that used dead father’s love of learning and reading as example to drive him to leave poverty.All learning doesn’t come from books. Life skills. Social Skills. Problems solving skills. Share how you make decisions and handle crisis situations.Encourage crossword puzzles and word games.
52Support Goals and DreamingShow kids it’s alright to set sights high and dream big.Don’t force kids to do what you want to do. Let them pursue their interests.Different people have different strengths and interests.Point out strengths and abilities you notice they have.Be realistic. Hard work, not just dreams.Have your own vision and pursue it, set example for kids.
Encouraging goalsTalk with kids about dreams and goalsEncourage curiosity. Give them freedom to pursue hobbies and interests and hobbits.Teach kids not to be afraid of failure. Opportunity to learn what doesn’t work.
53Help with school projects.Interest you take in academic things emphasises its importance.Talk to teachers at start of year about areas of study and large projects.At end of year can ask teachers or principal about what to do to prepare kid for next year.Can split subjects or assignments with ex.Help child build timeline for working on and completing project. Check in with them regularly to check progress according to timeline. Progress and quality.Teach how to take large thing and break down into small steps.Opportunity to demonstrate that you can be consistent, dependable and reliable.
5 tips for dealing with school personnelTolerant of phone tag.Be persistent.Be polite and courteous. Try to resolve issues with person before going up the chain.Consider how your actions will impact children, ex.

Posted by  |  February 8, 2020 | Categories: Other | Leave a comment

10 Day Challenge Notes

Chapter 1
Boundaries
We have to take personal responsibility for how others treat us.
part 1: accurate description of actions and behaviors by that person and how it makes you feel
If complex must be descriptive as possible to show things from our perspective.
You can’t control what happens on other’s faces but you can find out the reason for it and either accept it or not allow this attitude/behavior around you.
part 2: find the reason for this attitude and/or actions and a solution
You begin by stating the problem. That normally begins with a ‘when you’ statement that is followed by the actions of that person. Remember that you are not the emotion, so instead of saying I am hurt; you state, “I feel hurt because of your actions”. And hopefully, this begins an honest discussion about the underlying problem and begins correction of the attitude and actions of the person.
Part 3 boundary enforcement
Boundaries help us prioritize where we spend our time and energy
We all have a choice with everything we do, or don’t do. Since we own our choices, we are already empowered to begin taking responsibility for our lives.
Say hello and converse for five minutes, explain I have a meeting, if they continue to talk, remind them of my meeting, and if this conversation is truly important, ask them to contact another time.
When we deal with people we love, it can be difficult to set boundaries because we are scared that they might get angry or not love us anymore. We are all allowed to have boundaries and if someone truly loves you, they will understand, accept, and respect your boundaries.
By placing boundaries and being able to say no, the things that you say yes to become that much more important.
Chapter 2
Negative energy suckers
People that bring you down emotionally through their negative view of world. Like those on way out in Japan.
Often don’t notice until too late. Signs – feel tense and guarded. Want to get away. Start with them feeling energetic, feel bad. Feel under attack or scrutiny. Feel confined or constricted. Muscle pain, headache.
How to deal with negative people.
Can’t make people change.
12 strategies
Identify why they are negative. Helps to deal with it.
Don’t allow under skin. Don’t add emotion. Conscious observer. Observe the situation we are in. Unhappiness and negativity theirs, not ours. Don’t take ownership.
Ask them to tell you something positive.
Next step after problem – what is their solution.
Heart to heart. Calmly explain how their behaviour is affecting you.
Affirmations – short, present tense, positive. I am creating a positive space for myself and others.
Visualise shield – force field deflecting negative attacks.
Remember you are a good person. When people make negative, nasty comments to you, visualize them hitting that protective shield and being thrown off.
People can be our mirrors. Sometimes the people that push our buttons the most can be good teachers. When we see things in others that we don’t like, it should compel us to search within ourselves for those similar traits. Why are we allowing the actions or words of others get to us? If don’t learn, will get repeating mirrors – same lesson or feeling from multiple people through life. Same lesson repeated. When we learn will become stronger and grow as a person.
You don’t have to listen to and solve everyone’s problems. They need to figure out and fix things on their own.
Listen to breathing and take deep breaths. Positive in, negative out. Connects to how body is feeling in the moment.
Get up and move around – extended sessions. Take a break, get out of situation.
Last, if all else fails, get out.
If nothing works with people ask has this relationship ever benefited you? Does it still? If not why are you still engaged in it? Is this a mirror?
If not need to move on. These relationships prevent us from moving on to next stage in life. Breaking ties necessary for growth towards true conscious calling.
Day 3
Mindfulness
Awareness back from past or future.
Thinking mind takes us out of the present, out of reality.
When we are aware of our surroundings, we are able to experience them clearly and truthfully.
In the thinking mind, we have preconceived notions, make assumptions, make judgments, and place expectations on people and outcomes.
Ways to achieve:
Breathing – observation occupies thinking mind
Way of the dog – look at everything as if first time you’ve seen it.
Focus on task you are doing
Complete clarity – wash dishes etc.
Driving – observe, don’t think.
Day 4
Expectations
When we place expectations on outcomes we place a high price on our happiness.
When we place expectations and specifications upon an event we create a mind-formed event.
Vacation – plan basics but don’t get upset if it’s a bit different than in picture. Live in moment.
When we place expectations and specifications upon anything in our lives, we can be disappointed.
Same with people. in reality it isn’t others who let us down; we cause ourselves to be let down due to our expectations.
Instead of expecting people to do things or to act a certain way, we must concentrate on ourselves, and what we should be doing. When we expect certain things from others, we can get hurt and disillusioned.
Work to better yourself, let others make mistakes and don’t be disappointed.
accept the unexpected and don’t allow others’ actions to take you off course. Umbrella.
Do what you want to do as far as reaching out, if nothing comes back so what. Feel good about your expression.
Go with the flow = open to all life has to offer.
The only person we should put expectations on is ourself, and those expectations should be attainable.
Day 5
Love yourself
Self-love is mandatory for achieving your true life.
If we don’t love ourselves, we can’t truly love another.
To truly love someone unconditionally, we must truly love ourselves unconditionally. Unconditional love is love that is given all the time no matter what and has no strings.
If you don’t love yourself…who will?
good relationship with the person you’re with 24/7
No battles inside = easier to deal with the world
We will find other people that love themselves and have good relationships.
When we love ourselves we are able to make good choices for ourselves. Lifestyle, drinking etc.
How to love ourselves?
Hush internal critic
Bully in a way. Main step is to observe it. If observed will go away.
Be a friend to yourself
Treat friends with respect and love
Deal with personal denial
What are the reoccurring issues we are dealing with? Do we have patterns in our lives? Do we have unhealthy patterns that we must stop? Are we denying issues/problems in our lives? Do we blame others for the things we do? Do you blame others for things that happen to you? Do we continue the same negative life patterns but constantly expect different outcomes and results?
Confronting hard but makes us better.
Connect with your core
accept ourselves for who we truly are.
meditation, yoga, prayer, exercise, focusing on our breathing, practicing mindfulness. Connect to core, focus energy on positive things
ways to help us like ourselves and begin to love ourselves
choose your media intake wisely
Don’t consume things that celebrate misery, don’t let media pressure you to be a certain way
care about your health
Exercise, nutrition
Mushroom immune system
vitamin D, flax seed oil, and elderberry
observe, evaluate, change or delete the negative influences in your life
Do you have any outside influences that are negatively influencing your life? Can you identify them? How are they negatively influencing you? Why are you allowing that around you?
Media
People
Changing the situation begins with changing how we react to what they say, do, or not do. Because we don’t control others, we can’t control how they act, what they do, and what they say.
When things make you sad, figure out why
Consume beauty, not ugliness
Boundaries, ditch people.
sometimes, put yourself first
Oxygen mask.
spend time enjoying you
Spend time being happy by yourself
When we love ourselves, we take care of ourselves and make time for ourselves.
Take your time and be present
When we begin to fully love ourselves, we are happy, healthy, beautiful, and wise people. Half of life’s battle is over, because we have ended the battle with ourselves. Wherever you go, you will project a wonderful feeling that others will catch on to. You will be at peace with yourself and more at peace with your surroundings.
Day 6
Be yourself (and who are you?)
what makes you a unique individual?
Values
We use our personal values to determine our actions.
Theories
Our theories on life and why we are here make us unique.
why we are here and who put us here
Best thing about theory, can change with new information.
Beliefs
Belief  = we hold a thought or opinion in high regard based on experience and/or evidence.
we have the ability to believe, we are able to grasp and understand other things even when we haven’t experienced them. When we believe something, we can relate to it.
Experiences
iences
Our experiences are unique, which allow us to see the world differently than others see the world. Some of our experiences can be life changing and make us reevaluate our theories, beliefs, and values. It’s not until we realize another’s experiences that we are able to understand why a person acts a certain way.
Our experiences have molded us into the people we are today.
People don’t believe your experience can lead to conflict and from there into group think.
The past
The past that we have experienced and lived through truly places its mark on our present attitudes, our lifestyles, our choices, and our actions.
We can definitely recount past experiences and learn from them but we must remember that the past is the past; we shouldn’t wallow in it or hide there.
The present
Live in the moment, not the past. Learn from mistakes but don’t live in fear.
Environment
Living in a peaceful and clean environment is necessary to improve our quality of life. Don’t stay in shitty environment, should do what we can to help improve.
Friends
The friends we select have a huge impact on our lives, theories, beliefs, experiences, and the present moment.
Family
Influence who we are. Learn from successes and failures
Emotions
When we begin to judge others by their faults, we begin to put up walls and barriers between love and us.
Only two emotions, love and fear. Everything else subsets.
Love is living in the moment
fear is the most basic and most powerful human emotion.
How to get love? Choose it.
Albert Einstein said, “The single most important decision any of us will ever make is whether or not to believe the universe is friendly.”
Don’t be a victim of fear
Identify with emotion
When you identify with an emotion you can begin to see that emotion within you. In order to love, we must realize that we are love. Love is abundance and not scarcity.
All of the fear-based emotions are very empty and emotionally draining. When we work from a scarcity principle, we never have enough and we are always fearful that we will soon run out. When we are fearful, we cut ourselves off from others and are alone.
don’t live in the thinking mind
when all else fails, look in the mirror and smile
Once you have established love as your chosen emotion, you can begin to take on an even more powerful and strengthened role in life;
Day 7
No time machine, make the most of your time
Being a mindful active participant in life means that on a daily basis we must focus on our dreams, pursuits, aspirations, making a difference, striving to love in a more unconditional way, choosing love over fear, not living in the thinking mind, not placing expectations on everything and everyone, and living in the present moment and being an active participant not a spectator.
Remind yourself daily of goals.
Start by writing goals, underneath, why you want to achieve that.
Put somewhere you will see every day.
Next, turn the page and write down the resources, skills, knowledge, and materials that you already possess that will help you achieve your goal.
After you have done that, turn the page and write what it is you can do to get closer to achieving your goal.
When we just dream about what we want in our lives and not map out our course of action, we become overwhelmed and less likely to achieve it.
The journey to a goal is not just a means to an end; love every minute of it. Remember to laugh and have fun.
Make a difference.
Be good, tell people you care about them. Don’t say bad shit.
choose love over fear
When we truly love someone, we must look beyond their faults and love them for them.
It seems easier to love our friends more unconditionally then our family, spouse, or children, but we must try to do the same. It seems we place more standards and conditions on the closest people in our lives.
The more we love unconditionally the less we are hurt others’ actions or inactions.
In the same way, we must love ourselves unconditionally and not find constant fault. We must be able to forgive others and ourselves when mistakes are made. I believe that we are the hardest on ourselves and because of that we put high standards on others.
When we choose love over fear our lives get better, happier, and easier. The world seems to be a friendlier place and dealing with the day-to-day issues aren’t struggles anymore. When we choose love, we choose to accept people, and we reap the benefits of being whole and happy. Everything around us might not be perfect but we must not focus on the things that aren’t perfect, we must focus on the things that are going right in our lives.
Is the idea of perfection just another way to get us farther away from whom we truly are, to find drama and unhappiness instead of peacefulness, and to ultimately find fault in others and ourselves?
Being loving and generous is much easier than being fearful and angry all the time.
Being loving and generous is much easier than being fearful and angry all the time.
When we love and are positive even our health seems to get better, we are more relaxed and easy going. When we stop placing conditions and expectations on others, we begin to enjoy life more. These conditions and expectations are attributes of the thinking mind and do not allow us to be mindful and present.
stop living in the thinking mind
When we are thinking about the past, we are not growing or progressing, and we aren’t even participating in life.
The thinking mind puts up barriers between yourself and others, and the present moment can’t penetrate it without us stepping in, observing the thinking mind, letting those thoughts go, and getting back into the moment we’ve been given.
Day 8
You are what you eat
Even if you aren’t paying attention to something on the television or the radio, your subconscious mind always is.
If you think of your mind in terms of a computer, the images and content on the screen is your conscious mind and everything on your hard drive is your subconscious mind. Everything that we see and hear gets stored in our subconscious mind.
Don’t watch too much tv, don’t watch shit tv. Fuck the news. Makes you feel helpless.
Listen to positive music.
everything we allow into our brains, which is anything we are around, can and will infiltrate our daily thoughts and have the ability to contaminate our happy and positive nature.
Everything we expose ourselves to can be placed in our subconscious and those subconscious thoughts can become subconscious beliefs. Thoughts become beliefs when you hear them enough and give those same thoughts energy, like negative affirmations.
how to change our subconscious beliefs
identify the negative beliefs or problem beliefs you are holding onto
Write down statements that we remember hearing from our parents while growing up. Write down things that we say to ourselves and also write down things that we hear others tell us.
Once we put together this list, we can begin to test these beliefs to see how strong they are within us.
testing these negative/problem beliefs
Applied Kinesiology
Meditate on each belief
replacing negative beliefs with new positive beliefs
Change ourselves, will have knock on effect to those around us, society.
You are the only person that can make your life grand and interesting; watching others do it will not help.
Day 9
Doing what is right for you within moderation
In order to successfully achieve our goals, we must have an emotional and compelling reason for achieving them. Our goals must move us into immediate action.
Unrealistic goals are wishes.
Moderation is the process of eliminating or lessening extremes. Going back to ancient Greek times, the temple of Apollo at Delphi bore the inscription: Meden Agan, which means, Nothing in excess.
In order for the concept of moderation to work in your life, you first must be able to verbalize what in your life is most important, and name your responsibilities.
List daily responsibilities in order of priority
After correctly fulfilling our responsibilities on a daily basis, we are then allowed what I refer to as personal time within moderation.
With regards to everything you do, if done to excess, you cause an imbalance that eventually causes pain in your life. In order to have personal clarity and to be empowered, you must do what is right for you.
If your life becomes imbalanced in one area, it creates problems in all other areas of your life.
When we practice moderation, we allow balance in our lives.
Through the use of moderation, we are able to slow down or even stop something we are doing that isn’t bettering us. It becomes something that we don’t want to do anymore or as much, because we have found our true life, our true calling, not because we can’t do that thing anymore, but instead we have chosen not to.
When we have realized our true calling and our true self, we no longer want to fill our time with the things that don’t better us and don’t bring us closer to our true self.
Over time, as you get closer to achieving your life goals, and experience the excitement and energy that this gives you, you will eliminate the need and cravings you have that make you want to engage in behavior that moves you in the opposite direction. The closer we get to achieving our goals, the less we want to get off target.
Just because you choose to not do something anymore doesn’t change the fact that you think you want to do it. When you truly look within yourself and figure out why you do that certain something, you can then moderate or stop that because of the knowledge you derive from yourself and not from fear or disillusionment. By going inside ourselves to seek the answers for why we do something, we are able to examine our motives and emotions and establish a healthy moderation, or stop this activity in its entirety; taking this approach will result in self-control through self-knowledge, as opposed to fear.
In order to get to the root of why we do something, we must take an honest look at ourselves and the particular chosen activity or thing. We must ask ourselves deep personal questions and allow ourselves to come forth with truthful and honest answers, no matter how they sound or make us feel.
what am I getting out of this particular activity?
Is this activity allowing for physical, mental, or spiritual growth? Is this activity aiding in the unwinding and relaxation process in my life? Does this activity charge my batteries and allow me to take care of my responsibilities? Or does this activity take away from me and leave me tired? Do I spend too much energy dealing with this activity in my life? Is this activity becoming a chore or another responsibility?
why do I choose this for myself?
Why have I selected this activity for myself?
Why have I allowed this to occupy my time?
Am I truly doing what is best for me?
Does this help me in some way?
Does this activity add balance to my life?
When you drink, gamble, etc., how true am I being to myself? Is this who I am? By the way, who am I?
True friends will not allow us to believe in our lies.
If you are participating in an activity solo, you must ask yourself if this is healthy. Why alone?
Can I stop anytime?
First, does this activity help you escape or to avoid dealing with your feelings? Are you choosing to run from your feelings or cover them up? If so, why?
These feelings must be dealt with now before they manifest into something larger and harder to come to grips with.
When we allow something to take over our lives, we have basically allowed that thing to take our identity.
When we self-regulate, we take on an active role, not a passive role, in order to make our lives better and attain the life goals we have set out for ourselves.
When we are truly motivated towards a goal, our anticipated fulfillment of that goal provides the needed motivation to continue on until the goal is reached
When we are dealing with long-term goals, we should divide them into smaller goals or milestones in order to stay motivated and positively focused.
Positive reinforcement after success
Unfortunately, these addictions cannot fill anything. They are being used as a masking tool to prevent you from exploring the void and understanding why it exists and what it is made up of.
Day 10
Day 1
Boundaries
30 min to an hour for yourself
Live with intent. Don’t waste time on negative activities or people.
Make the most of life
Place boundaries in relationships, be aware when falling into traps.
Challenges are opportunities to improve at making boundaries
Enforce boundaries, don’t go back or appear weak
No is an option
Yes with intent. Details and follow through.
Day 2
Energy suckers
Bad stuff happens to everyone
Don’t dwell on it, move past it, otherwise one bad thing leads to a bad day, leads to a bad week…Stop the bad energy immediately to stay on track and to keep the right perspective. If something goes bad, not to your liking, always re-focus your energy positively to successfully avoid other possible pitfalls.
When you become aware that others are energy suckers, you can begin protecting yourself and/or work to remove yourself from their company. With this knowledge will be able to identify more.
You can’t change others…you can only change your self.
Develop your forcefield
Stop negative cycle after dealing with negative person. Breathing etc, reset.
Recognise mirrors. When you’ve identified similarities and changed yourself they may be amusing to you rather than irritating.
Day 3
Be mindful
You are realizing that you and your thoughts aren’t the same.
Present during tasks
day 4
expectations are overrated
You can make appointments and schedule a trip but don’t place the expectations. Stop manufacturing those mind formed ideas and outcomes that inevitably get in the way of your happiness. Because when the event or trip actually takes place, it will be a let down.
Stop letting your self down by expecting people to act a certain way or do a certain thing. Instead remember to concentrate on you, and what you are doing, not what they are doing. When we expect certain things from others, we get hurt and disillusioned.
Let others make mistakes.
Accept the unexpected
Go with the flow – a change is an opportunity
day 5
do you love your self?
Unconditional love is paramount and places no perimeters or agility test on you or others.
And when you truly love your self, you will be in wonderful, unconditional loving relationships that last and bring you up, not beat you down.
Hush your inner critic NOW.
Take care of body and mind daily
day 6
be your self and by the way, who are you?
Know values
You are working daily to eliminate fear in your life.
You have acknowledged your past…
You are making life changes…
…and responsible personal choices to have and embrace a quality friend base. You are a beautiful person who deserves loving and caring friends.
Remember, if all else fails, look in the mirror and smile.
Day 7
No time machine
Focusing a few minutes a day, on your dreams, pursuits, and aspirations.
make a difference in the world.
Choose love over fear
day 8
you are what you eat…you are what you see and hear
Day 8 teaches you that everything you see and hear is stored in your subconscious mind.
Take up or look into hobby to reduce screen time.
Day 9
Moderation
You are now able to identify and name your responsibilities, schedule your time correctly, carry out your responsibilities, create realistic goals, and you have a balanced and well-rounded life.
You know the things in your life that need to be moderated…
You are being honest with your self…
…and honestly evaluating your life as balanced or not balanced. You are becoming aware of any voids in your life.
You are emotionally organized.
You know your daily responsibilities and others’ outside responsibilities and you are taking care of them in a timely and efficient manner.
On completion of a large milestone you remember to give your self a treat…

Posted by  |  October 12, 2019 | Categories: Other | Leave a comment